


Demons Are Real and Tried To Suck My Dick

by STUMPEDD



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Like Jocelyn is bi, Luke is demi, Multi, No one is truly HeteroSexual tbh, Take Magnus calling Clary biscuit from my cold dead HANDS, and my most popular one was a text fic, and the second most popular was the only shadowhunters thing?, bless, lmao remember when I only wrote Hamilton fanfiction, text fic, yeah so now I'm combining them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9536012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/STUMPEDD/pseuds/STUMPEDD
Summary: Clary - Clary.FraychildSimon - Return_To_RaphaelAlec - Alec.anderIzzy - Labels.TwiglooJace - WokeUpLikeThisMeliorn - Plant.BoyLydia - BranMuffinJocelyn - MomLuke - DadRaphael - Not_RaphaelMagnus - PocketGlitter





	1. Glory To Gays

**Author's Note:**

> Clary - Clary.Fraychild  
> Simon - Return_To_Raphael  
> Alec - Alec.ander  
> Izzy - Labels.Twigloo  
> Jace - WokeUpLikeThis  
> Meliorn - Plant.Boy  
> Lydia - BranMuffin  
> Jocelyn - Mom  
> Luke - Dad  
> Raphael - Not_Raphael  
> Magnus - PocketGlitter

**\----------------------Demons Suck Dicks----------------------**

**Alec.ander has added Labels.Twigloo to the chat “Demons suck dicks”**

Labels.Twigloo: How did the fuck did you find my account Alec

WokeUpLikeThis: Izzy what is that username

Lables.Twigloo: Anagrams are fun.

WokeUpLikeThis: ah

Alec.ander: Izzy being Izzy is not why I tracked her down and added her. It’s about my dormmate this year.

Labels.Twigloo: I’m assuming you aren’t with Jace?

Alec.ander: Nope. Even better.

WokeUpLikeThis: Who’s better than me?

Alec.ander: Magnus! Bane!

Labels.Twigloo: REALLY!!!!

Alec.ander: Yes!! We talked for a few minutes before Simon’s stupid boyfriend pulled him away so now I’m alone and suffering bc wow I get a dorm with The Hot Boy of the school

Return_to_Raphael: Listen don’t hate Rapha bc he’s actually friends with Magnus

Alec.ander: I’ll hate him all I please

Clary.Fraychild: Hey if you add someone to the chat can they read former messages before they were added

WokeUpLikeThis: No because Alec is paranoid and has the only admin rights like a jerk

Alec.ander: Why do you want to know?

Clary.Fraychild: Because..,,...

**Clary.Fraychild has added PocketGlitter to the chat “Demons suck dicks”**

Alec.ander: CL A RY 

Clary.Fraychild: You are so lucky you have all the admin rights

Alec.ander: It’s you who’s the lucky one. I am not afraid to hit a woman.

Clary.Fraychild: Like you would even win

PocketGlitter: My dear biscuit is this is ever so famous chat I hear of

Clary.Fraychild: Yes it certainly is! Also Simon, where did you vanish to

Return_to_Raphael: Listen if you wanna be all romantic with your girlfriend that is just great but it makes me want to kiss my babe so I am on a quest to find him

PocketGlitter: He said he was going to the library

Return_to_Raphael: Oh great. B o o k s

Clary.Fraychild: For someone as smart as you I don’t get why you hate books

Return_to_Raphael: They are weird paper things?? I don’t know. I’m a vampire we all know this.

Clary.Fraychild: Mm if vampires really did exist I don’t see you as one

Return_to_Raphael: Rude rude rude

Not_Raphael: I am offended you don’t like books

Return_to_Raphael: I’m offended you do like books

BranMuffin: All of you are children.

BranMuffin: Except Iz and Clary. I love u two

Clary.Fraychild: Love u too babe

Labels.Twigloo: Much love to you!!

WokeUpLikeThis: ew

Clary.Fraychild: hush you

WokeUpLikeThis: Honestly this is unfair why am i the only one with a lover not on the campus

Labels.Twigloo: Not our fault you fell for a hippie boy

WokeUpLikeThis: You dated him before me??

Labels.Twigloo: Ah yes and now I am dating my sweet gfs s o

WokeUpLikeThis: Ech

**\---------------------------PocketGlitter, Clary.Fraychild----------------------**

PocketGlitter: Is Alexander aware that I can read past messages in the chat?

Clary.Fraychild: No ha. He’ll notice eventually tho so you might want to act soon

PocketGlitter: Oh trust me, I’m acting. He’s the one avoiding it.

Clary.Fraychild: You are really bad at flirting. You don’t know it but trust me, you are

PocketGlitter: Absolutely rude

**\---------------------------Demons Suck Dicks----------------------**

Alec.ander: At least you’ve got a boyfriend. I am but a sad and lonely Lightwood

PocketGlitter: I can fix that for you

**\---------------------------PocketGlitter, Clary.Fraychild----------------------**

Clary.Fraychild: MAGNUS NO

PocketGlitter: Magnus yes.

Clary.Fraychild: According to Jace, Alec threw his phone upon reading that.

PocketGlitter: Then my plan is working

Clary.Fraychild: You share a dorm with him and you’re a senior. It’s now or never.

PocketGlitter: Exactly why I’m pulling all the stops to this cat and mouse game.

**\---------------------------PocketGlitter, WokeUpLikeThis----------------------**

**WokeUpLikeThis has sent you a contact request**

**PocketGlitter accepted the contact request**

WokeUpLikeThis: Alright listen you

WokeUpLikeThis: Alec is a very shy human so don’t be that blunt ever. He’s panicking

PocketGlitter: Good or bad

WokeUpLikeThis: Good of course but

PocketGlitter: Then my method is working

WokeUpLikeThis: what,,method???

PocketGlitter: Now or never. Clary and I have been working on it for a while now.

WokeUpLikeThis: It’s 5. Curfew is at 7 and I expect to hear good news from Alec tomorrow.

PocketGlitter: Of course.

**\----------------------PocketGlitter, Alec.ander----------------------**

**Alec.ander has sent a contact request**

**PocketGlitter has accepted the contact request**

Alec.ander: Why exactly does “curfew” mean “shut up” again?

PocketGlitter: Ah I wish I knew

Alec.ander: But also about the ,,, message earlier

PocketGlitter: You are fully aware I was able to see messages sent before I joined the chat, correct?

Alec.ander: Wait really

PocketGlitter: Yes

Alec.ander: Fuck

Alec.ander: how far up exactly did you read??

PocketGlitter: Enough.

Alec.ander: i

PocketGlitter: I was wondering if perhaps maybe you would enjoy accompanying me on a date sometime?

Alec.ander: Only if you’ll stop pretending I cant see you staring and kiss me

PocketGlitter: Deal.

**\---------------------------No Lightwood is safe from being gay----------------------**

Alec.ander: IZ! JACE! GUESS! WHAT!

WokeUpLikeThis: What

Lables.Twigloo: Hm

Alec.ander: I HAVE A DATE WITH! MAGNUS! BANE!

Alec.ander: I! KISSED! HIM!

Labels.Twigloo: Y E S !!! FINALLY!!

WokeUpLikeThis: Nice nice nice nice

Alec.ander: Fuck I have to thank Clary

Labels.Twigloo: I’ll do it for you

Alec.ander: Bless u. The only good sibling of mine.

WokeUpLikeThis: Rude?


	2. Love Has Many Forms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clary - Clary.Fraychild  
> Simon - Return_To_Raphael  
> Alec - Alec.ander  
> Izzy - Labels.Twigloo  
> Jace - WokeUpLikeThis  
> Meliorn - Plant.Boy  
> Lydia - BranMuffin  
> Jocelyn - Mom  
> Luke - Dad  
> Raphael - Not_Raphael  
> Magnus - PocketGlitter

**\----------------------The Pure Ones----------------------**

Return_To_Raphael: why is Jace pacing

Plant.Boy: I have to go out of town for a week

Return_To_Raphael: ah

Clary.Fraychild: Wait where are you going??

Plant.Boy: Oregon for a wedding. It’s in a forest by a lake and I’m excited

Clary.Fraychild: Send photos!

Plant.Boy: As always

Return_To_Raphael: Jace is reading over my shoulder help me

Return_To_Raphael: Think he’d switch rooms with Magnus

Clary.Fraychild: as if Alec would let that happen

Return_To_Raphael: True

Plant.Boy: Well I am on the plane and can no longer speak until we land so goodbye!

Return_To_Raphael: Jace just yelled goodbye at me so there’s that.

Clary.Fraychild: Have fun!!! Can’t wait to see the pics!!!

Plant.Boy: Thank you all  
 **\----------------------No Lightwood is safe from being gay----------------------**

WokeUpLikeThis: ech

Labels.Twigloo: That bad?

WokeUpLikeThis: Y e s

Labels.Twigloo: It’s only a week

WokeUpLikeThis: i know but i miss him and e c h

Alec.ander: Relationships are gross

Labels.Twigloo: Says the guy who’s got a date in an hour

Alec.ander: My relationship won’t be gross bc Magnus and I are very beautiful people

Labels.Twigloo: True

WokeUpLikeThis: Where are you guys going anyway?

Alec.ander: Just for coffee

Labels.Twigloo: Lame

Alec.ander: fight me?

Labels.Twigloo: i will?

**\----------------------Demons Suck Dick----------------------**

Not_Raphael: Someone remove Simon from me

Clary.Fraychild: Why

Not_Raphael: He’s being annoying again

Return_To_Raphael: It’s called being “endearing ”

Not_Raphael: Endearing (inˈdiriNG,enˈdiriNG) adj. ‘inspiring love or affection’

Not_Raphael: You are not endearing. You’re being annoying

Return_To_Raphael: smartass

Not_Raphael: Not my fault I’m actually doing my work instead of playing games

Return_To_Raphael: now that’s just offensive

Labels.Twigloo: Simon if you come to my dorm we can have date mate talk

Return_To_Raphael: bless

BranMuffin: Raphael what class are you working on

Not_Raphael: Business

BranMuffin: Ha lame

Not_Raphael: We? Have?? The??? Same???? Class?????

BranMuffin: Yeah but I’m done with all that stuff

Not_Raphael: now that’s lame bc it’s not due for another three weeks

BranMuffin: Gives me more time with my girls ; 0

Not_Raphael: fuck ur right

Clary.Fraychild: Lydia - 10 Raphael - -3

BranMuffin: <3

Clary.Fraychild: <3

Labels.Twigloo: Not part of this but <3

BranMuffin: Ur always part of it love

Labels.Twigloo: thank

**\----------------------No Lightwood is safe from being gay----------------------**

Alec.ander: my soul has left my body and I am but a shell of a man

Labels.Twigloo: I take it the date went well

Alec.ander: yes yes yes and now I'm smiling and it's weird and I need someone to tell me Clary is happy so I can be mad

WokeUpLikeThis: Why do you hate Clary again

Alec.ander: She is made of annoying. Specifically annoying me.

Labels.Twigloo: don't hate her bc you ain't her

Alec.ander: i hate everyone

Labels.Twigloo: except Magnus, Max, and children in general

Alec.ander: True

Labels.Twigloo: You’re such a dad

Alec.ander: Fight me

Labels.Twigloo: Square up big bro

**\----------------------1000% Sin----------------------**

Labels.Twigloo: The way Simon smiles when he talks abt Rapha is so soft wow

BranMuffin: Right tho?????

Not_Raphael: h u s hhh

Labels.Twigloo: For real tho he’s so !!!!! abt you i love it

Not_Raphael: Lis te n we agreed sap talk did not go in the sin room

BranMuffin: I will do whatever i want in the damn sin room

Not_Raphael: It isnt fair you know the secrets of the pure room but refuse to share

BranMuffin: Hey i made a deal. I keep sin in the sin room and pure things in the pure room

Not_Raphael: Therefore goes my previous statement of keeping sap out of the sin room

Labels.Twigloo: Simon is talking abt the ~first kiss~ and getting super blushy

Not_Raphael: Jace please agree with me before I go to the girl's dorm and scream

WokeUpLikeThis: My ass isn’t allowed to complain about being sappy

Labels.Twigloo: Truth

Not_Raphael: damnit im going over there and stealing Simon from you

BranMuffin: He just screamed “finally” and got really excited

Not_Raphael: damn him

**\----------------------The Pure Ones----------------------**

Return_To_Raphael: Ngl i will never get tired of Raphael being really angry but also still wanting to 24/7 kiss me

Clary.Fraychild: What’d he do this time

Return_To_Raphael: He burst into the girl’s room, pulled me away, and the second we were in the hallway he awkwardly kissed my cheek before walking on (still holding my hand!!!!)

Clary.Fraychild: !!!!!!!! yeLL that’s adorable. 

Return_To_Raphael: Throwback to when I hated him

Clary.Fraychild: Fun times

Return_To_Raphael: He is gr9

Clary.Fraychild: Glad you’re f i n a l l y happy

Return_To_Raphael: Yea h

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr - AlexxanderLightwoods
> 
> Yell at me, Ask box and messaging always open

**Author's Note:**

> Wow oh boy
> 
> Note: These are 90% based on the show, 3% on the books, 7% on my own personal ideas. Thanks!!


End file.
